Crawling into my shell, hiding from the light. A darkness grips my mind and thoughts of death entrance my ideas. Cracks in my castle , a wall slowly crumbling.

My mind wanders into the depths of my dungeons where terror and evil were kept. It has come to claim my mind, but I stand strong, or at least I try to, I shelter myself from the overwhelming dread of things.

I decline my friends for now, eventho their aid is well intended, it overwhelms me greatly as hordes of warriors come to my aid to help defend my castle mind. For now I must stand alone and then reach out to the banners of allies I call my own.

This is Malekir signing off.

Sitting in an open field, alone pondering things in life. A drop lands on my cheek and clouds start to form.

Darkness growing as my mind races through the field. Alone and worried about what the future might yield.

More drops on my cheek as the clouds grow thick, the things in my mind switching from death to fear to sadness.

It frustrates me as I run, towards my end. My energy drained, from thinking of all the things that could be, would be and the things that went all wrong.

Peace comes hard, and help is far, though now I cry out loud and hope to be heard by all. I stand alone in a field on a sunny day with tears on my cheek and clouds heavy and dark in my head.

I have become stronger than the past, I know now that I can ask for help. But it takes time to get the strength and will to reach out. Help clear my mind soon my friends.

This is Malekir signing off. Tomorrow is a new day.

My mind wandering in a maze filled with scenarios and ideas, feeling like a man wandering in a foggy field unable to find a way out.

Things keep repeating in my head, like I should do this or that, maybe I should have done what ever… Constantly making me doubt myself.

Stability is sometimes hard to find, a real smile is hard to maintain, feeling at ease comes slowly.

Recently however I’ve found a ball of string to guide me out of the maze in my head, the sunshine that burns away the fog from my mind.

Just sitting down and talking instantly makes me feel at ease and comfortably calm. Even if I don’t have much to say, I can listen and enjoy life a bit more.

This is Malekir signing off, stay good out there friends!

The fight of a mind that is unsure of where it wants to go or which direction to take is one of those struggles I face every day. It’s as bad as punching a wall that is a hundred meters thick, it feels pointless sometimes.

There are moments where my mind is filled with things that bother me for days or weeks, fading only slowly. However I know I should let go of those things faster, that is easier said than done for a mind that keeps spinning more and more webs and feels as if you tangle yourself in it.

I’ve been winning my fight against the darkness however, its been another 2 months since my last little setback of doubt and darkness, which only lasted a short period this time around. I had a good 3 months and a bit if clear thoughts before then though so it is an achievement.

I know this isn’t like my usual works of poetry and it isn’t supposed to be, I just wanted to write a regular update on myself. I’ve actually met someone interesting yet maybe a little bit annoying but in a way you kind of miss when it’s gone kind of annoying.

Another thing I’ve been doing recently is thinking about a story, something steam punky perhaps, but it seems it’s still pretty hard for me to write something down in proper story style. (something I might work on) I’m being inspired and learning more about writing by listening more to audiobooks, and there are many different styles of writing so going to do more research!

As for the title of this post, it’s pretty clear I struggle mentally at times, it’s the reason why I started this site/blog thingy in the first place. It’s also to show that you’re not alone out there struggling, that doesn’t mean I don’t think others are struggling worse than me, well aware there are people worse off, but people struggle differently to each other. I do see life like climbing a mountain range instead of just one mountain, there are going to be times where you feel like you hit a peak and then struggle down a bit and slowly climb back up again. Don’t let the current valley bring down the achievements you already have, something I too still have to learn to understand and follow haha!

This is Malekir signing off for the night, take care my friends.

In the vastness of the galaxy, I am but a small star which is fading in the void of darkness.

But around me are planets that follow my journey as we cross the large plane of our existence, so never truelly alone.

But as I wane and fade for a cycle and loose touch with all that I have built with my warmth, so too does a part fade of my friends my planets.

A burden we all face is one that struggles with itself and so too a star struggles at times to shine at its best.

Malekir signing off

They say people wear many masks, that’s true. We change our masks with who we speak so we can protect ourselves. Hide what we really think at times because it’s easier to avoid things.

They ask how are you, are you alright are you OK? And I put on my mask with a smile and say I’m fine, I’m good, I’m alright but behind my mask i see the cracks forming. In all honesty no I’m not alright, I’m not OK, things aren’t good.

Just the amount of energy one has to put into wearing a mask that is far from how you actually feels makes a person tired. And right now I’m so tired of all the things in life going wrong, but I can’t get sleep.

I know I have to keep going forward pushing through the rough turbulent times. But in all honesty I wish I could run away to the darkness and let it just end things. I’m a stronger person than that though, I stand up every time against the darkness and shout “I live! I fight! I brave a new day!” because right now that’s all I can do.

It would be easier to go to the dark and just submit to it and give up, we all get angry and sad, lost and confused. It’s a thing we have to accept in life, even though it’s hard we continue fighting for a better time, powering through the mountain of dispair till we finally reach that light that greets us when the hardest things have passed.

Sometimes we need to reach out and say hey guys… I’m not OK, let others know you are having a hard time and maybe there will be someone with a torch to walk next to you in the tunnel.

This is Malekir signing off.

A tear drop that falls into the moonwell,
sprites of the night lighting up the world around me.
They guide me to the other side, a new world where I can start over if I survive the darkness.

Anchored by doubt and uncertain of all the things I do,
plunging me deeper into the well of the night.
Fearful of the new things in life I fade away left behind in the world that does not stand still.

Lost in the moonwell forgotten, and never seen again.
The sprites of the night tricking me,
pulling me from the path that held me strong.

Thoughts of confusion and defeat,
failing to right the wrongs of the past and falling further into the dark.

The drop into the moonwell.

A river once flowing but now run low, a flood of joy now but a mere dried up bed. The fields that once gave me energy now lay abandoned as I too feel as if I am going into the nothingness of life.

Waning energy and joy seem to be a part of my cycle in life, one that comes back sooner than I had wished. Things planned and put on hold now only a lost memory.

As this field that used to nourish my soul has faded so too does my bond with my friends, in my mind I have already lost.

It is the feeling of being alone in life, the dread that there is no support that brings down the castle that fought many months against despair and the darkness.

Ah I blow the horn for my allies to aid me, to help me reseed the fields, build up my walls and fend off the darkness together.

Another picture of my mind, written by Malekir.

As I seem to float in the ocean, I feel a heavy weight pull me down.
Struggling against the tide of powerlessness I sink deeper into the dark.

I let go of all the things that had kept me afloat and spiral deeper into thought.
Thinking of what can not be helped nor fixed.

As I sink to the bottom, I feel the sand grab at me,
pulling me lower in my mind, further than I thought was possible.

But then I find the hard bottom, a layer to push up from.
My friends that give me the support to push off back to the surface to breath.

And once I let these dark depths behind me at the surface once again,
I can hold and cling to the drift wood that remains of my sanity,
only to be lifted out of the water by my friends.

Both is dark and unsteady times people grasp for attention,
and sometimes those who enjoy the deeps with the smile of happiness need the most help for they hide the darkness.

Written by Malekir 06/01/2020

A sleepless night , one where the mind keeps jumping from one thing to another. A flower being blown by the storm and unable to stay in place, losing its pettles here and there.

Sometimes we all have to accept that we will lose parts of ourselves in hard times, but after these hard times we find time to grow again and once more bloom into something beautiful.

There are things in life we have no hold over, no control and that is scary, frustrating or even exhausting. So we must some time dig deep like roots of a plant to find a new source of energy.

That journey can be hard as well, as our roots reach further it comes across more obstacles like rocks that block our way. We grow around them, while some hold onto them.

It can at times become a cycle of darkness and light, the decay of our mental health and the regrowth of our energy to keep going. Like a flower every fall and spring.